I am just beginning to learn what life truly is, and what it can throw my way. I have been smothered in dread, engulfed in false hopes and dreams, and haunted by my own insecurities as a person. I have reached an ultimate low for myself; I have reached the point of disbelief that I deserve to be cherished and loved. I have reached the point of self destruction. Hiding from love, warmth, and all of the playful joy that comes with happiness.

I HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF TO ROT INSIDE, AND BECOME THE PERSON I MOST FEARED IN LIFE: A TATTERED, FRAIL, DEFEATED ME.

I feel worthless sometimes, sad often, and empty always. But it just hit me that this pit I have fallen into is dragging down the person I fear losing the most. He is my strength, and my fear of losing him only engulfs me more. It is a dark hole, and it’s getting deeper and deeper with every feeling of worthlessness and insecurity.

I NEED TO CURE THIS SELF-DISTRUCTION!

I need to see my reflection. I need to look at my scars that I thought were healed, and peal them open. I need to look at my sad lost heart and find a way home.  I need to look at my lonely cowardly insecurities and regain a strong confidence.

I WILL FIGHT THIS, AND I WILL FIND MYSELF ONCE MORE!

She had never been afraid of hights until tonight… until she was up on the ledge looking down. She was up so high, and it was then she was scared. She feared that one day she will lose hope and meaning. She was scared that if that day ever comes, she would step off that ledge. Reality kicked in… She had never been afraid of hights, until she stood on the ledge and looked down.

There is a beautiful young woman in my life…

She is almost 17, but is strong and so mature. She is blonde, and has the prettiest blue eyes I have ever seen. She makes me smile, makes me laugh, and makes me feel all better when I’m upset. She holds my heart so close, and will go through the deepest hell to keep it safe.

She is my Sister.

Growing up, we weren’t always together, and didn’t always get along. There were so many times when I just couldn’t understand her. I wondered why she was such a “bad” kid, and thought of how much stress she caused. I distanced myself as if I didn’t care. I gave up on her in some ways, because she was always so down, and I wasn’t always there to pick her up. I almost pittied her; my own sister. I loved her, but I don’t think I showed her I did. She was very distant from the family, especially from mom…  I saw her the way my mother wanted me to see her: all trouble and no potential.

I was so blinded.

Now that I am away, we talk again. In the past summer, our relationship has grown an incredible amount. We are as if there was nothing in the past that separated us; like the past was gone, and didn’t exist. I talk with my sister all the time now; I get excited to hear her laugh, because it tells me she’s happy. Now that we talk and have healed our relationship, I often wonder if she has fully forgiven me, or if she was ever mad at me. During the time when we were both with the family, she was so distant, so blank, so cold. I would look her in the eyes and wonder if she knew what love was.

And now I see the truth.

My sister is an amazing person now, and I finally see that she always has been that amazing person. Yes, there were problems… always so many problems. She didn’t cause those problems, but for so long I was convinced by my family that she did. I had always thought that we were so different, and so distant from each other. I talk to her now, and realize the truth. The truth is, there is a lot we have in common. The truth is, when I talk to her, I can hear her pain. I can hear the love she never found, and the hope she still looks for. I can hear the truth about everything in her voice, and as she talks, I can sometimes feel her tears roll down my cheeks.

What Love Is…

I’m so over this. So completely over feeling frustrated because I miss you. Over trying to do all that I can to bring you happiness. Over this feeling that you created for me. Over staying up so many nights thinking about you, and thinking about how great you are. Extremely over the other sleepless nights when I cry because I miss you and wish I could spend more time with you. Over knowing that those nights that I lie awake, you find peace in your slumber.  Over trying to look pretty. Over trying to be the ideal woman. Over thinking when I’m gonna see you next. I wanna be done wishing I had more than an hour here or there with you. Over trying to be happiest with you. So completely over this fucking feeling in my heart. It hurts so damn much sometimes. It’s like a fucking drug. I need your love. I need your warmth. I need you laugh and your smile. I need you beside me. I need to be in your arms. I need you to kiss me and talk to me. I need you. And it fuckin kills me to know how much I need you. I use to say it would nevr happen to me, but look what life did for me. It brought me you. The person I can’t stop thinking about. The person that I want to spend all of my days with. The person that I see myself with later in life. The person that makes me smile more than ever. You. The first person I have truly ever given myself to. And it kills me to be upset right now. I just want you to climb into bed next to me and have all this sadness go away. But that’s just not gonna happen. Nope; instead, You will sleep, and I will lay here thinking about all of this, still being upset. I know this will pass, and it will all be ok, but right now it hurts. It wasn’t even that big of a deal, but now you’re frustrated and not here with me. I must really suck at this making it work thing. I just don’t know what to do. This feeling that I feel right now is so fucking draining, but, even if I wanted to, I know I can’t be over everything we are.

What is it about life that makes a person feel so fragile? There are so many things that can cause stress, pain, and anguish for a person. Things that people shouldn’t have to worry about hurting them. Things like friends, a burning love, family, and who we are on the inside. These things are the closest things to the heart, and it’s crazy how one slip, one misjudgement, one word even, can change everything.

Friends are there to support others. To guide and to talk to. To hug and to be hugged by. But on the flip side, friends can become hated, despised, and ignored. Why? Well, friends have the ability to know precisely every part of who you are. They know your likes and dislikes, your ups and downs, your powers and your vulnerabilities. In some crazy way, they can control you. What’s even crazier, is that we need these people we call friends. We need to feel that support, and need that attention. We need to be a part of something, a part of each other. But when a friendship is broken, a part of ourselves becomes fragmented; that person, now gone, took a part of you. Took all that was known, all that was hidden, and left you not knowing where it will end up. Friendship holds a lot of power over someone, and it’s crazy to finally come to realize it.

Then there’s that burning love that you have for a special someone. That feeling deep down that engulfs your heart and soul. The love that a person can give to that one special someone is endless, as is the love one can receive in return. The love can make a person go absolutely crazy, too. It makes us think of all the little things to do for our love, and makes us try just a little harder to make the day better for that special person. And that person knows us from the tip of our toes to the depths of our hearts, and this is what makes love a shaky bridge. We never know exactly what will happen on that bridge. It is completely 100% unpredictable; maybe that’s why we need it so much. Maybe we yearn for that spontanuity and strive for a new feeling of passion for another person. This feeling, it goes beyond friendship, beyond just knowing a person. Love makes a person vulnerable not only because it is unpredictable, but because it completely exposes a person to another. It hits harder than a friendship if things take a wrong turn. A love turned sour wrenches at the heart, and makes a person question everything about themselves. That exposure, that once felt like bliss, turns to a vile pain that strikes the entirety of a person. Sometimes we go from vulnerable to almost transparent.The heart is an extremely vulnerable thing, and we put it in the hands of another in hopes that it will never be broken. It’s a scary thing to think about really; what one person can do to the heart of another. We make or break the one we claim to love. We can cradle a heart, or choose to shatter it. Love is such a beautiful monster.

Longer than friendship, and deeper than a burning love, we have people that know us better than any other: our families. A family is what we turn to when all else in life has failed. It is our security, our comfort, our place to go for anything. We strive to make our parents proud, look up to those big sibs, and try to be the best influence for the little sibs. No matter how much we may mess up at times, or how hard we may fall off our paths, family is something that we all look to for that never ending support. The tie of a family is incredibly strong, and no one ever expects it to whither or break. But what happens if that bond is stripped from you? What happens when the deepest, most incredible support falls out of sight? It is rare for this to happen I know, but when it does, it is possibly the worst pain any one person can experience. After all, If one can’t count on family, who else is there? The break in a familial bond can make every aspect of a person splinter, from trust to being able to fully love another. The trust that is given to others now becomes constant questioning and disbelief. This happens because the deepest trust one can ever have is with the family, and if that’s gone, it’s hard to believe anyone else is trustworthy. A person is shaped by the family; every aspect involves a value or trait that came from the family. Without that source of family, life can be hard to cope with. It makes me wonder, does the tearing of that bond deminish the value of a person, or does it give that person more worth?

Finally, there is the one person that impacts life the most: the self. Life throws just about every obsticle possible at us through friends, loves, and family. Each one of these has the potential to splinter a part of us and can cause great pain, but the biggest obsticle in life we face is ourselves. The self is an incredible thing; it’s unique for each person, and makes us who we are. It is who we are inside and also who we are to other people. The self can be creative, independent, strong, intelligent, kind, and brave. It can also be destructive. There are 3 parts to who we are: the ideal self, the real self, and the undesired self. Together, these can work to make us great, but can also be a force that we can’t push through. The undesired self leaves us thinking of what we don’t want to become. Negative images of the self push us to be better, but also causes a constant strain on who we are. We think, “I don’t wanna be like that, because it’s ugly, or unwanted.” On the opposite side, we have the ideal self: the person we want to strive to be. It seems good to strive to be the best, but is there ever a limit?? We may set that limit too high, and it can cause problems. Problems like constant worry of what we look like, who likes us, and what we can do to be more liked, or to feel more included. Crammed and smothered in the middle of the ideal and undesired self lies something insanely beautiful and perfect: the Real Self. It is who we are now, no cover ups, no fake impressions, and no walls built up to block others out. It is raw, sincere, and completely reflective of who we are. This is what I think of most… the Real Self, and how perfect it really is. We may catch a glimpse of it here and there, but rarely do we see it completely in another. I know what it is to hide the real self, and to shield it at all costs. There is a part of us all that is hidden, and not shown to others; it is our own beautiful secret. I wonder though, will others ever uncover that true beauty?

So today I realized that bad news can ruin a seemingly good day. It makes me go crazy; my body shuts down, and I become frail and worn away. The impact of the news is like being slapped in the face really hard. It causes confusion, pain, and fear. I am not one that gives up, or just shuts down, but today, I felt it happen. My head ached with a killer throbbing, my body was chilled all over, and my heart was pained so much.

Today, I also realized how great it feels to be truly loved.

 First, I was held close by an amazing woman. I walked in the door, and when she looked at me, I felt hot tears settle in the corner of my eyes. She wrapped me in a blanket, then in her arms, and listened to me cry my heart out. I told her how the world isn’t fair, and I hate how good people have to go through so many tough times. She listened to me tell her all the reasons why I was sad. She talked to me, and gave me a reason to look up for hope. This amazing woman, saw me at my lowest, most broke down point so far, and she still loved me just the same. Thanks Missy, I truly would be lost without you in my life.

Then, I talked with a man that gave me good insight on life. I was surprised to see that he could see something wrong. While I usually mask my sadness pretty well, it seemed as if he saw right through that mask, right through me. To him I just unleashed even more feelings of fault and unfairness. I told him that I wanted to know what I did to deserve so many bad happennings. I asked him if I was a bad person. I asked him if I truly was so negative and mean to have caused such pain. He looked at me, and told me that I shouldn’t look at myself and ask what it is that I did. I could not have caused this, and there is no way that anything I have done could account for why life gets hard for me. We talked about life, and how sometimes it seems that nothing makes sense until we take a step back and truly look at what’s happening. This man, he comforted me, understood me, and put many things into perspective. He helped me out of a confused daze, and encouraged me to be happy. Thanks Liam, you truly are one of my best friends, and I’m glad you understand.

After that, I did not feel like letting my feelings linger while I sat alone thinking. I found company in another person. I climbed the stairs to second floor, just as I had so many other times before, but this time was different. This time, I climbed hoping to find relief from myself. I was thinking so much into all that had been going on, and needed an extra push of encouragement to relax and stop thinking so much. I found well needed comfort in the arms of a very warm and caring man. I curled up next to him and just layed my head on his chest. I told him all that bothered me, and he layed there and listened. when I was done, he swayed the conversation, and made me think about other things. He rubbed my neck and shoulders, and really helped me relax. In his arms, I felt like nothing was wrong, and that all was safe. He was my sheild tonight, and my reason to appreciate the good things in my life. While the bad things make me think, and often make me spacey, he brought me back to reality, and showed me that there are things in life that can still make me smile. I needed that caring, that warmth, and that love.This man truly is my better half, bringing me back when I fall away, and I love him so much. Thanks Ronald, your love for me is wonderful, and you continue to amaze me with everthing you do for me.

To end the night, I went on a mission for frozen yogurt. I ran barefoot down the street with rocks and broken twigs scraping at my ankles, in a mad frenzy to make it to Yo Cre on time. While i thouroughly enjoyed all of this, the best part was that I did not run alone. Not one, but three completly amazing people rushed to get their fix with me. We finally got to Yo Cre, hearts pounding and (some of us) chests breathing heavy. We all got our frozen treats, and sat outside to eat it. As I sat there, I realized that these people were helping me so much, probly without even knowing. I was relaxed, and content. My heart did not hurt as much as before, and I truly think it was because I had them there with me. I laughed, smiled, and was happy. I am so fortunate to have these people to talk to, laugh with, and run crazy with. My life is so much more blessed because I have these people as friends, bringing new happiness when I need it most. Thanks Kelvin, Ryan, and Missy, you guys truly made me so happy.

I remember when you were…

 a wall of brick, standing in my life big and tall.

a brave soldier, protecting us all from harm and pain.

a giant wave, spreading care and praise.

I look to you now, only to find…

a wall severely damaged; at any moment you could fall.

a soldier worn and beaten; sadly, I watch your strength drain.

a wave hunched and shallow; numbered may be your days.

So, for the first time in a long while, Tonight I pray…

I pray for your courage.

May God grant you the courage to fight this pain.

I pray for your strength.

May God grant you the strength to get better.  

I pray for your recovery.

May God grant you a fast recovery, with no relapses.

I pray for your health.

May God grant you days of better health.

I pray for memories to keep.

May God grant us all more memories to keep with you in mind.

                                  I pray for you, Poppa Bear.

“I’ve been told
that people in the army
do more by 7:00 am
than I do
in an entire day

but if I wake
at 6:59 am
and turn to you
to trace the outline of your lips
with mine
I will have done enough
and killed no one
in the process.”

- Author Unknown

Anonymous asked: what/who do you fear most?

I am terrified of elevators, like cry and freak out inside of them…